Polychrome Interest

A Random Blog of Everything I like

Short Story: One Of Them

For this time, I want to write something that sets in my homeland even though the picture from Creative writing Ink is clearly not of Indonesian Park. I emphasize more on the woman sitting on the bench.

Without much introduction, here is my 7th short 🙂

One of Them

A lady, thought Satrio, what is she doing in the rain like this? She looks like she is waiting for someone. Satrio is thinking whether to say hi or not, his mama told him not to talk to stranger, but she also told him to help people in need and that lady doesn’t look good.

“Hi…” Satrio says. He wants to help but he doesn’t know what else to say but hi. The woman with the strip umbrella is a bit surprise when Satrio said hi, she isn’t expecting anyone to say hi to her ever since she decides to sit there.

“Ow…hi!” she says. She smiles at him, “What are you doing out in the rain? Shouldn’t you be going home?”

“My house is over there! I am on my way to home,” Satrio answers, “err…do you want to come to my house? You don’t look well.”

“Ow my, you are worried about me,” the woman shows genuine happiness on her face. “What’s your name, boy?”

“Satrio!”

“That’s a nice name, it goes well with your kind heart,” she smiles, “Thank you for worrying about me, I wasn’t even expecting anyone to say hi to me let along being concerned like this. I am fine. I might look a bit pale but I never been better. You should go home now, don’t make your mom worried about you.”

“Are you sure?”

“I am sure, dear,” she can’t stop smiling at Satrio. No one has ever been so nice to her in her whole life.

After thinking for a while, he finally decides to believe that woman. “Okay…if you want anything I am sure mama won’t mind if you come to our house,” Satrio says, “bye bye.”

“Bye…” She waves at him. When Satrio is already few meters away, she suddenly remembers something. “Satrio!!” She shouts at him.

“Yeah!” Satrio replies.

“ Never talk to pale stranger like me again okay!! Promise me!!”

“err…I promise. Bye! Satrio replies half-heartedly.

***

“Assalamualaikum.” Satrio says when entering his house.

“Wa’alaikumsalam.” His mom replies. “You’re soaking wet. Go take a shower before you catch cold. I’ll make you a cup of hot chocolate to warm you.”

“Okay!”

***

Satrio loves sitting in the window facing to the park. He is looking at the park while drinking his chocolate. The lady is still there. He looks at his chocolate and wonders if she wants a cup too. He can ask his mom to make one for her.

He goes to front door and opens it. “Where do you think you’re going young man!!” his mom suddenly stands behind him.

“I just want to ask that lady whether she wants a cup of chocolate too. It’s freezing out there. I bet she would like it.”

“Satrio!!” his mom says in higher tone, “You’ve promised not to say that thing again!!”

“But…mama, you said we should help people in need.”

“I am not talking about helping people. There is no one out there and you promised never to say anything about your imaginary people anymore. You better get inside and finish your chocolate or I take your TV privilege again!!” She means business.

Satrio looks at the lady again, she is still sitting there, waiting for something. Why can’t his mom see her? He sighs, “She is one of them.”

He looks at the woman while drinking his chocolate and thinking how long will she be there. Will it be 40 days or she has just moved there before her 40 days due is over.

***

Note related to the story:

Satrio is the name of my favorite nephew, his father (that makes him my brother) can  see ghosts sometimes. And since I believe such ability is passed on to children, Satrio might have the same ability once he grows up.

I have been using Satrio’s picture for my Monday Movies post 🙂

Satrio means Knight in English.

Assalamualaikum and W’alaikumsalam are Islamic greeting when we come home or leave home.

Some Indonesian believes that people’s soul will linger on earth for 40 days after they died. After their 40 days is over, they will them be sent to the afterlife to wait for the final judgement. It isn’t Islamic believe but people here often mix Islam with what they believe traditionally. I don”t believe in the 40 days thing but it is fun to write about it 🙂

 I know it’s not scary…but I just love ghost story whether they are  scary or not.

As usual…please share me your thought and critiques, it means a lot to me. thank you

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About Novroz

I actively maintained 2 blogs. My personal blog is about things that I love: Turtles, Books, Movies, Music, Larc en Ciel, Muse, Cillian Murphy, The Mighty Boosh and many more. I also help my 3 super cute turtles, Kroten, Papoe and Kurome, to maintain their own blog: http://kamekroten.wordpress.com

24 comments on “Short Story: One Of Them

  1. le0pard13
    October 7, 2011

    Fine short story, Novroz. And an equally wistful lead image. Thanks.

    • Novroz
      October 7, 2011

      Thank you so much Mike 🙂

  2. Wanda
    October 7, 2011

    Great story, Novroz. So human. Thanks 🙂

    • Novroz
      October 7, 2011

      thank you Wanda…hehe I never thought that my ghost is more human than my human story 😉

  3. kelly
    October 7, 2011

    The note related to the story mad it all clear to me. Love it 😀

    • Novroz
      October 7, 2011

      Thank you Kelly for always reading my stories. It means a lot.
      I know the 40days will be something unknown to non-Indonesian, glad it helps you to understand

  4. CBCondez
    October 8, 2011

    Oh, I just bet that ghost lady was really surprised when someone stopped to talk to her! Good one, Nov.

  5. Caroline
    October 8, 2011

    Interesting, about the 40 days, I didn’t know that. The story captures quite a lot, well done. It’s the first time you write a ghost story that is rooted in your culture. I like that.
    There are a few mistakes like “concerning”. It should say “for being concerned”. If you do not want to repeat concerned twice you could used worried or worrying instead.
    Do you use the Thesaurus?

    • Novroz
      October 9, 2011

      Thank you Caroline. I am planning to write about Indonesian ghosts for this month’s Indonesia Banget…therefore, I think a ghost story sets in Indonesia would be a good opening 😉

      Thank you for the correction Caroline,I have fixed it. I haven’t rechecked it when I posted it, this is the first draft,I was expecting many mistakes. No, I never use thesaurus, I only have plain Indonesian-English dictionary

  6. dhitzunako
    October 8, 2011

    I like this one, maybe because I prefer ghost story that is not written to scare people. Hehe. It is also great to see that you explore many themes in your writing.
    Btw, beberapa tanda baca sepertinya perlu ditambahkan seperti tanda titik di akhir kalimat “But…mama, you said we should help people in need[.]”
    (dulu di writing.com, rating tulisan gue jelek gara2 tanda baca. Orang2 di sana teliti banget, which is a good thing. ^^)

    • Novroz
      October 10, 2011

      Thank you Dhitz.
      Although I like writing horror and thriller but I don’t want to narrow my writing to only that genre. I want to try all genre,if possible….but one thing for sure, romance is not one of the themes I want to explore 😉

      Ah iya bener!!org2di writing.comcangih2 matanya. Makasih ya,nanti gw edit tanda2 bacanya

  7. jayadhara
    October 9, 2011

    I really love this story, especially as it is telling me something about your culture and your own life experience – thank you for sharing it 🙂

    • Novroz
      October 10, 2011

      Hi Jayadhara, it’s always nice to meet new blogger 🙂
      Thank you for reading my story and liking it.

  8. DEZMOND
    October 10, 2011

    I’m off to write the list of all the people I would like to haunt when I return for those 40 days 🙂 I might visit Indonesia too 🙂

    • Novroz
      October 10, 2011

      WE will be welcoming you Dezz, my nephew might see you and tell me that you have arrived 😉

  9. midaevalmaiden
    October 10, 2011

    ooh I Loved this! It was too scary. 🙂 Funny, reading a ghost story is more scary to me than watching a ghost story. I think it;s because when I read I ‘am’ the character but when I watch I see the character is not me.

    p.s. I just suscribed from this avatar, that way I can still get your posts even when I don’t visit my cat blogs email.

    Great story Novroz.

    • Novroz
      October 11, 2011

      Are you sure it’s scary? I thought it wasn’t scary at all. I agree with you about reading is scarier than watching, that’s why I love reading…it gives big room for imagination. And because of that, I often felt disappointed at adaption movie.

      I didn’t know we can subscribe from avatar. I see that you write more in your personal blog now, I should change my rss feed to that blog instead of your cat blog now 😉

      Thank you Sara

      • midaevalmaiden
        October 11, 2011

        oh yes, I mean he is looking at and talking to a pale woman. I try to imagine looking into her eyes. Definitly scary. She might have been and evil ghost, he had no way of knowing.

        someday I hope to do the cat blog again, but I just never feel motivated for it even though I know I should. I will never give up on it though. Really, how you manage to do all the stuff you do, I wish I had you abilties.

        • Novroz
          October 12, 2011

          Fortunately she isn’t evil 😉

          Well, I have to give up my deviantart to keep my turtle’s blog going. I used to be so active in DA, not anymore now. For me, managing time to write 2 blogs is not a big problem, the problem is more in managing time to read my friends’ blog, I often do it while I am on public transportation or spend sevreal hours just to visit them all. I really like your unique cat blog, you should look into your cats’ eye and write something about them again 😉

  10. si_ulil
    October 14, 2011

    Nice one! Never thought you’d use our traditions and cultures for Creative Ink, so this is a nice surprise. The boy’s mom sounds kinda mean… I’m more scared of her than the pale lady!

    • Novroz
      October 15, 2011

      Aha! you never guessed that heh 😉
      Actually I have been planning to introduce our culture in my stories since August (when I had my Indonesian short story read) but I haven’t found the perfect picture till this one showed up.

      I don’t mean to make the mother sounds mean, I am just trying to create a mother character who can’t accept the fact that her son can see ghost.

      • si_ulil
        October 17, 2011

        The fact that she tried to take his TV privileges away was harsh, but I guess that’s what mothers would do when they can’t accept something.
        Btw, It’s interesting when you say this picture inspired you to create an indonesian story, because I think it’s kinda hard to find a place that beautiful in here,especially Jakarta. If only…*sigh

        • Novroz
          October 17, 2011

          Aha! that’s why I said I only emphasized it on the woman sitting on the bench 😉
          Just like the picture of the man running in the tunnel…I only paid attention to the running man.

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