Polychrome Interest

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My 2nd Short Story : Alice

This week’s Creative Writing Ink has made my brain created this short story.

This story came out while looking at the picture and listening to Radiohead🙂

ALICE

Max stood still with a thunderstruck face in front of a big display window. He looked like he had seen a ghost. He walked closer to the window. His eyes were looking straight at the mannequin behind the big window glass. It was the mannequin with the light green dress.  He rubbed his eyes trying to figure out whether his eyes were playing tricks on him. He touched the glass as though he could actually touch the mannequin. He really wanted to touch the mannequin, he wanted to be sure that it was just a mannequin NOT a real person.

Not the real person he used to know and love.

The mannequin was a splitting image of his twin sister, Alice. Alice disappeared two years ago. The police couldn’t find her anywhere. Their parents had paid a private detective to find her and yet no good news ever reached their ears. They had given up hope in finding her.

But now…Max could have sworn to God that mannequin standing cold in front of his eyes was Alice. It had the same baby blue eyes as Alice used to have. That pair of eyes were now looking terribly sad and lonely.

Could it be Alice, thought Max, but it was just a mannequin for God’s sake.

He couldn’t make his eyes shifted from the mannequin. He just stood there as still as the mannequin he was looking at. People who happened to pass through his standing point were looking at him in peculiar way. Max didn’t even notice those people. All his senses were focusing on the mannequin, hoping he could catch a small blink from its eyes.

A couple passed by, they looked at Max curiously but Max didn’t even noticed them. An old lady looked at him and worried about him, she asked whether Max was alright but Max didn’t hear her and the old woman finally left him alone. Max didn’t even noticed that he had stood there for nearly 2 hours when he finally saw the eyes were staring back at him. They stared right into his eyes, his blue eyes and its blue eyes had suddenly become one. At that moment, Max saw that the mannequin shed a tiny pair of tears. They made a sad path along its face.

Alice?” Whispered Max. “You’re Alice, right?”

How could it be? Answer me, Alice! Please answer me!” begged Max.

The mannequin can only answer him with tears that would soon dry up.

Looking forward to get a feedback from everyone who read this story.

About Novroz

I actively maintained 2 blogs. My personal blog is about things that I love: Turtles, Books, Movies, Music, Larc en Ciel, Muse, Cillian Murphy, The Mighty Boosh and many more. I also help my 3 super cute turtles, Kroten, Papoe and Kurome, to maintain their own blog: http://kamekroten.wordpress.com

27 comments on “My 2nd Short Story : Alice

  1. wulaaaan.....
    April 6, 2011

    WOW.

    That’s all I’ve gotta say about this.

    LOVE THIS ONE!!!!!!!
    Keep up the great job! You’re surely keeping me on my toes, Ms!

    • Novroz
      April 6, 2011

      Thank you, Lan
      I am still waiting for your turn to share your writing stuff😉

      • wulaaaaan.....
        April 7, 2011

        I believe this is your best so far, and I’m not sugar coating or saying that just because I know you personally. Great job indeed.

        you mean my writing based on this pic as well? Havent even started yet, hehehe…

  2. dhitzunako
    April 6, 2011

    hiiii…… Jd inget serial2 misterinya elex zaman dulu deh.
    Tp pendek bgt Nov. Mnrt gue emosi dan rasa penasaran Max bs digali lg, sehingga konklusinya ga terlalu cepet.
    Hehe, akhirnya cerita misteri jg ni.🙂

    • Novroz
      April 6, 2011

      Iya emang kependekan tapi sy masih belum bisa konsistent nulis cerita yang panjang. Kalo kepanjangan suka malah ngalor ngidul kemana-mana….berharap suatu saat bisa nulis short story yang sampe beberapa halaman. Amin.

      Maksud endingnya pengen jadi rancu gitu…terserah yang baca gimana ngartiinnya.

      Ngomong2…ehm, dirimu kok ga nulis2 lagi?

      • dhitzunako
        April 6, 2011

        Endingnya bagus, kok. d^.^b
        Btw, komen gue tadi munculnya dobel2 ga? Maklum koneksi hp lagi error, mohon dimaafkan.
        Hm, gue lagi super duper sibuk ma kerjaan. Sampe mandek ni, ga bisa nulis yang berbau-bau puisi dulu T.T Sampe2 ga sempet nyari dorama2 lagi (OOT).

        Ditunggu lagi loh ceritanya. I personally love this one better than the previous two writings. Eh, tapi cerita fiksi kame-Kroten lo juga lucu. Kayaknya kalo cerita fantasi dan misteri udah dapet feel-nya.🙂

        • Novroz
          April 6, 2011

          Ga kok…kalo dobel pasti gw apus kok hehehe…kecuali kalo ada beda2nya dikit.
          Wah sama donk! gw juga dah lama ga nyari2 dorama. Btw ini cerita ditulis pas lg nyari2 favorite 4 n 5 Radiohead loh (OOT bgt)

          hehe ternyata cerita2 ga jelas Kame n Kroten cukup bagus ya? seneng juga dengernya.
          Sbnrnya dah punya 1 draft cerita yg berdarah2 tapi lom sempet dirapihin…pengen bikin aga panjang gitu

  3. Wanda
    April 6, 2011

    Great job!

  4. Cath
    April 7, 2011

    oooo, love it!!

  5. Caroline
    April 7, 2011

    Very, very nice. I think as well it is the best so far.

  6. Novroz
    April 7, 2011

    Thank you, Cath & Caroline🙂

  7. Custard
    April 7, 2011

    A very heart breaking story that. I really felt for the poor twin. With such a connection to his missing sister searching for answers in the most unlikely places.

    A very nice short story. Thanks so much for sharing

    C

    • Novroz
      April 7, 2011

      Thank you so much for reading this , Custard.
      I am trying to write things that can reach someone’s heart, I am glad you got that sad feeling on the twin…it means mission accomplish.

  8. lifewith4cats
    April 8, 2011

    ohh very creepy. If this were a movie I pictured the man having the terrible experience and then the movie ends and we see that the man is a mannican also, facing his sister and trapped like her behind that glass.

    • Novroz
      April 8, 2011

      That’s a great imagination, Sara. You see through this story as horror while C sees it as heartbreaking story. It makes me happy that the two of you have different perceptions.
      When I wrote it, I wanted it to be something that people can create their own story from it.

  9. rtm
    April 11, 2011

    Oh, this is wonderful, Nov. You’re a talented writer. I also love that photo you chose for this story, very striking yet melancholy. You’ve inspired me to write a short story based on my now abandoned novel… I really love the characters I’ve created in my head but haven’t got the time to finish it, so it’s basically stuck at about 60-65% done😦

    • Novroz
      April 11, 2011

      Thank you so much, Ruth🙂
      Actually…the picture was chosen by Olive in her writing blog. We are the one who have to come up with either story or poem. This story is inspired by that picture. Maybe you can try it too, for me it’s really fun…I finally have something to push me to write.

      I have the same problem as yours, I have ideas for a novel but couldn’t finish it😦
      I hope I can read your novel or short anytime soon🙂

  10. Iin
    April 15, 2011

    hohohoho…love the way you attract the readers’ attention…the 1st paragraph is the key!
    KEEP UP GOOD WORK mba nov!

  11. Dirtywithclass
    April 29, 2011

    This is really good. It was almost haunting in a way

    • Novroz
      April 29, 2011

      Thank you, Julian.
      I try to write mystery and this story came up. I have another one in draft which is more bloody, not sure if it will be good or not. It’s waiting for its turn to be published.

  12. Ronan
    May 2, 2011

    ‘The mannequin can only answer him with tears that would soon dry up.’ That is gorgeous Novia, you evoke such a tangible sense of loss and regret. You should do this more often, you are good🙂

    • Novroz
      May 2, 2011

      Thank you for the compliment, Ronan.
      I am trying to do this as often as I can, but not all pictures give me inspiration. Hope this week I can be inspired.

  13. Tim Jones
    August 27, 2011

    I think you have got a real flair for creating atmosphere in your stories – this one is sad and a little bit eerie as well. I especially love the last line.

    Can I make one suggestion? (Hope that’s OK.): I think the story would be even stronger if you added one or two paragraphs before that the paragraph that begins “Hours later,” just describing the passage of time as he stands there staring – maybe describing one or two things that happened in the vicinity that Max doesn’t even notice because he is too busy staring at the mannequin. As it is, the jump to “Hours later” feels a bit abrupt to me.

    But that’s a minor point about a good story!

    • Novroz
      August 27, 2011

      Thank you for the compliment Tim…coming from a real author like you really meant a lot.

      Of course you can make a suggestion🙂, I am opened for any suggestion that can help me become a better writer. A suggestion is a bliss.

      I read your suggestion and then I read my story again…and you’re right. Hours later sounds a bit too pushy. I will try to add something there as soon as I can. Thank you for the suggestion and for reading, Tim. Much appreciated

  14. Pingback: Flash Story: Looking For a Better Life « Polychrome Interest

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